The Lighter Side of the Campus Safety Blotter

A burning trash can, broken vending machines, sketchy library characters, and failed heists are the legacy of the first month of fall semester.

Mike Habegger looking cool as always.

By Mike Habegger
Co-Editor in Chief

Class has been in session since August 27, and some of us (myself included), have been running around, up, and on the Hill since August 14. You would think that lots of crazy stuff would have gone on by now. Well, think again. It appears the Rouzer boys are a little more in control of themselves than in years past.

I take that back.

I didn’t know that we were living in the Bohemian East Village, but someone decided it would be a good idea to set a trashcan on fire in front of Rouzer. While it is indeed expensive to live on campus, I’m not sure why it’s necessary to pretend to be a squatter. Maybe by the end of the year we’ll be able to see Rouzer’s resemblance to Alphabet City.

Blanche is back in the swing of things. The first few weeks back on campus, and they’re already starving, and I don’t mean the rodents. In a particularly funny turn of events, campus safety officers stumbled upon some broken glass at the vending machines. All appearances suggest that “snacks may have been taken.” Uh, yeah. A resident in Blanche noted that the machines were cleaned out, and they had just been restocked that day.

Nice time for a heist.

If you’re under 18, you might want to be a little more wary when setting foot in the library. A call came in complaining about someone using his laptop improperly. Problem: dude was watching porn. We’ve heard stories like this before, but I’m just going to throw this out there right now: why go to the library to do something you can do in the privacy of your room? No common sense. I don’t want to see anyone going Balls McGee in the stacks.

One of the new things this year is the new Merritt Fitness Center. The pity is that we can’t drive through there anymore, which is probably a good thing, because you might get abducted by Spielberg’s aliens at their green-light landing pad. Well, apparently some boys decided they’d had it with such restrictions, and decided to yank the whole “ROAD CLOSED” sign down. Just so happens that the geniuses did it in front of some officers, and before you knew it, there was a chase. Two people, different directions. Run, run, run. Maybe they thought they’d have a chance getting picked up by E.T.’s family or Morgan Freeman’s voice.

But, inevitably, they were caught. Good thing, too. It seems the officer earned himself an invite to a party in North Village. Good party, too. Just in time to throw a few ping pong ball into ubiquitous red drinking cups.


And this was the first night back on campus for these guys.

Oh, and though it’s obviously not yet Valentine’s Day, someone was already in the love-making mood. Thoughtful. Guess the flower shop wasn’t open, for it was 3:14 a.m. Dude couldn’t wait, and so officers found planted flowers pulled from the ground at PA 203, apparently interrupting the pursuit of flowers on the cheap, and the chance for some bow chika wa wa.