1. Stop it.
2. You need to take a time out.
3. By now I hope you’ve realized I’m treating all of you like children because you’re acting like you’ve all only barely managed to attain a level of mental development equivalent to a toddler. I’ve seen monkeys in the zoo that throw their own feces and still have better manners than you.
4. How did you get into college when you clearly must have bombed the analogy section of the SAT’s: i.e. “People in their twenties are to theoretically mature, well adjusted members of society as all of you are to sick, twisted pricks that don’t know when to stop spreading their hate-laced filth.”
5. You are the reason I have so very little faith in mankind. Seriously, I don’t want to make outrageous comparisons like the erstwhile Fox News contributor Glenn Beck, but you, Hitler, and Justin Bieber make me wish there was a way to permanently sew the mouths of anyone that shouldn’t be allowed to talk shut so that I don’t have to listen to your bullshit anymore.
6. You realize you look like assholes, right? Does that matter to you, or is it that you are so unliked on this campus that you no longer care what people think? I’m going to guess the latter.
7. Why do you keep posting shit when the rest of the campus has clearly lost patience with you? Seriously, they posted Shakespeare quotes. There are people on this campus willing to spend hours sifting through some of the most boring literature imaginable just so that they can keep you from having a voice. Take the fucking hint.
8. Even if you don’t like somebody on this campus, you have no right to anonymously target them. I might not like someone here (I assure you, there are plenty of people on this campus I wish would leave and you top the list), but usually I pony up and confront them directly so that I can resolve my issues. If you can’t do the same, GTFO.
9. How hard is it to just be nice? Didn’t we learn that in kindergarten along with how to line up in single file and how to color inside the lines?
10. One day you will repeat this performance in a setting in which you cannot hide behind a veil of anonymity and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I will laugh.