The Top Ten Things I Want to Say to . . . Tea Party Activists

Nathan Wuertenberg

Co-Commentary Editor

1) I don’t want to see the pictures you have of aborted fetuses for the same reason I don’t want to see pictures of the animals I eat for dinner: it’s gross and it ruins my appetite.

2) Are you sure you’re not racist? Because when you have signs that say things like “Congress=Slaveowner, Taxpayer=Niggar” you sound pretty racist. Plus, you can’t spell.

3) If Allah is a “monkey God”, Jesus Christ is a stoner.

4) If you’re the bastion of American morality, why are you so fond of sexual puns involving various combinations of the words “tea” and “bag”?

5) “Fascist” and “socialist” are at opposite ends of the political spectrum (a person can’t be both). So you’re going to have to compare Obama to either Adolf Hitler or Vladimir Lenin.

6) You know, the Second American Revolution concept was also used by the Confederates before they failed to drive off the “Northern Aggressor.” But you learned all about failing from your report cards so what I am doing trying to teach you about history?

7) One of your main representatives is a television pundit that is clearly mentally unbalanced. Birds of a feather . . .

8) In case you weren’t aware, the “Don’t Tread on Me” flag or “Gadsden Flag” has also been used, in its relatively short history, as a symbol for various groups such as Metallica (a heavy metal band), 311 (a rap, punk, ska band), Titus Andronicus (a punk/indie rock band), and, last but not least, gay rights activists. Embrace the rainbow Glenn Beck.

9) George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Thomas Paine all hated the direction this country was going in too: they thought too many uneducated, ignorant assholes were rising to the forefront of the political landscape. Huh.

10) Dear Christine O’Donnell, it’s the First Amendment. That’s where the Constitution mentions the idea of a separation of church and state. Learn how to read.