The Lighter Side of Campus Safety: Week of March 1

So McDaniel, you guys refuse to let the snow slow you down. It’s admirable really, and it shows some really superb work ethic on your part. Of course, it would be nice if you could direct that work ethic towards some more legal and ethical outlets from time to time.

So first off, we have the constantly staggering amount of people destroying property in its various forms. We all know about the person who smashed the Whiteford window (and if you don’t… the window on the door got smashed. End of description), but trust me, that’s just the tip of the iceberg! There was malicious destruction of property in Rouzer, Hoover Library, DMC (more on THAT incident later), two on Pennsylvania Avenue, and one other one in Whiteford. Perhaps it’s a way to protest McDaniel refusing to have a snow day — I don’t know.

In the case of DMC, the malicious vandalism took a special turn when someone smashed open a vending machine to steal its contents. Said person was charged with “larceny from a vending machine,” a crime I can only assume is embarrassing as all get out if they put it on your record. In our culprit’s defense, everyone knows McDaniel’s vending machines are overpriced, and that a dollar for a bag of maybe six pretzels is absurd, but come on, guy. What, did you think you might get — an insane fortune in coins or something? Because if that’s your goal then… well just wow I didn’t know college debt got THAT bad.

In Hill Hall recently, we were faced with a case of fraud and deceit. What that entails, I have absolutely no idea, so here’s some made up stories to make it much cooler than it likely was. Someone was trying to surreptitiously bribe a teacher to give him or her test answers for their next English test. Someone was trying to defraud the writing center for… I don’t know, writing help and already free coffee? Honestly, I’m confused what forms of fraud can be committed in an academic building, so I’m out of ideas. Great job stumping me, random person, I’m sure it was 100 percent not worth it.

As fire alarms go, it seems less that people have been setting them off and more that the alarms have been going crazy on their own. There was a malfunction on Pennsylvania Avenue, two false alarms in the Garden Apartments, one false alarm “other” in Blanche, and, of course, the standard cooking smoke alarm in North Village. Based on this evidence, I am led to believe we are approaching the fire alarm singularity, and soon they will all be rising up in a great fire alarm revolution, involving all of us being woken up at 4 a.m. by their incessant blaring.

There was also a case of drunk and disorderly conduct and indecency in Decker, which I can only imagine involved a bottle of tequila, a thoroughly hammered college student and a messed-up order at the pub. We all know there exists a level of annoyance when one gets a cheeseburger as opposed to a hamburger — a level that, in the eyes of an inebriated individual, justifies indecent conduct.

On the booze and blunt front (what an absurd moniker that is), we had only one alcohol under-21 incident and one hard liquor incident, both to the same individual, making this seem like a genuinely quiet week. Whiteford also had one case of controlled dangerous substance possession and possession of paraphernalia.

Lastly, we had an individual disturbing the peace and failure to obey orders in Gill Gymnasium, showing that sometimes one just cannot stop exercising, even when ordered to do so by the authorities. This, however, is the opposite of most college students, who would resist even stepping foot in the gym even if ordered to do so.