Well McDaniel I hope you had a nice Halloweekend. I’m sure you all did nice respectable things like handing out candy to little kids, decorating your rooms with festive fare, and dressing in costumes that covered more than 20% of your bodies (coats exist people, Google it). But see, if you were doing that (and I know that’s what you told your parents you did, so I mean it must be true) then why did I come in today to a binder with new offences in it? We may truly never know.
Firstly, let’s get the booze and blunt news out of the way. There were three cases of possession of alcohol under 21 and alcohol hard liquor, two of which were in the freshman dorms of Whiteford and Rouzer and one of which was on Penn Ave. On Penn Ave there was also a case of alcohol in an alcohol free residence. Now I know people that when you are obviously covering more than 20% of your bodies (indeed 25% is more than 20%, I took a math class once) and it is basically the month of November, alcohol makes you feel nice and warm, but that only takes one or two drinks. Not a line of tequila shots.
Rouzer however led the way in possession of controlled dangerous substances, with four counts, alongside one in Whiteford. It seems some dude must have taken his “guy from Sublime” costume a bit too seriously.
Pennsylvania Avenue also had an accidental fire, which, as anyone who lives on there knows, should surprise no one. That is given that the average Penn Ave house looks very similar before and after someone throws a rager in it, with the only difference being after the rager the collective stomping around of partygoers feet might have scared the roaches away and readjusted the foundation.
There was a case of accidental property damage in Blanche, and a case of malicious destruction of property on Penn Ave. To these I respond thusly: Blanche, you have a nice dorm building, be careful; Penn Ave…I mean you might be able to convince the school to pay you to do demolition work someday. So keep in good standing and bide your time on destroying those houses.
There were refreshingly few false alarms, with only one on Penn Ave (which was clearly just going far too hard this week) and one in North Village. Keep it up guys, I’m really running out of jokes about you burning food.
Lastly, someone finally did it, They finally let me write about what I’ve wanted to all year: one of you incredibly generous individuals decided to go screw with the fountain and got caught, and in return caught a disorderly conduct for failing to obey (assumedly to get out of the fountain, which I feel like the impending hypothermia should have caused you to do) and a failure to comply.
Oh and someone disturbed the peace in Whiteford, but that news doesn’t involve fountains so you don’t get a joke sir or madam. You have a few weeks left to better grab my attention if you want one (Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any actions you may or may not commit).