The Lighter Side of Campus Safety: Week of March 29

Lighter Side cover photo

Now, last week may not have been the most raucous of weeks on campus, but no doubt was it an eventful one. A few major incidents really stood out, and to the perpetrators of these I offer both my thanks and the immediate reminder they’re about to get roasted worse than Justin Bieber. Or perhaps a little less, because as bad as some of this stuff is, it’s still incomparable to the crime against humanity that is Bieber’s career.

Anyhow, North Village managed a paltry two false alarms this week. My guess is that this new meal plan has everybody so shaken they’re rushing to the Pub to get as much food as they can before next year (at least everyone but the seniors is; seniors are just too busy on capstones and such to even think about food, except when consumed at large quantities late at night). See, in the face of this obviously apocalyptic crisis of lowered amounts of pub exchanges, a phenomenon has occurred. It’s called “Meal Plan Goggles,” which are like beer goggles except they mess with your standards for food and not sexual partners.

We also had the customary group of busts for alcohol and illicit substances, including two people being caught with alcohol under the age of 21 in McDaniel Hall, and one person getting caught with a controlled dangerous substance in Blanche Ward Hall. Said person didn’t seem to have any paraphernalia on them though, so either they were selling the drugs, were really bad at the whole “doing drugs” thing, or had just arranged their room like one of those “find the object” puzzles. Campo then gave up after all they could see was ruined textbooks, pizza boxes, dirty clothes and one mysterious, half-burned pair of panties, at which point they decided to stop looking around.

On a more serious note, there were two cases of harassment on Pennsylvania Ave. and in Elderdice, to which I respond that if at this point in your life you’re still trying to be a stereotypical bully, you probably peaked in high school. And nobody likes a guy who peaked in high school, spare Ronald McDonald and the Burger King (may he rest in cholesterol laden, artery clogging peace).

There was also a lovely member of the McDaniel community trying to break into cars both in the North Village and Stadium lots. Though honestly, what is there of value in cars anymore: GPSes have become obsolete thanks to phones, CD players and tape decks…well yeah I don’t really need to finish that one, and no one leaves their phones in their car. So what’s there to steal besides the car itself (which it should be noted this individual CLEARLY was not skilled enough to do.)? Maybe learn to hot wire next time, dude.

Lastly, we had a lovely incident that deserves its own mention: on Pennsylvania Ave. there was one bust that led to 10 counts of what the logs only refer to as “alcohol” (presumably, it was substance-free housing, though that was not made clear) and nine counts of alcohol under the age of 21. Personally, to me it sounds like this was the first person in the house to turn 21 and everyone else decided to get drunk with them, but hey, Penn. Ave. is in some parts of the wild, wild west, so I shouldn’t let logic play a factor in guessing what happened.