Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Beware of rain for the next few weeks, you’re likely to melt. You’re at risk of losing your eyebrows today, but the story will be worth it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Keep all those unfortunate texts and make a poster of them. You need the reminder of that time in your life. Good job on making that mess in the hall. Don’t forget to collect all the nickels at the end of the day.=
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will offer you a bet, don’t accept it. Running down Main Street in the nude isn’t as fruitful as it seems. A strange sticky substance may appear in a hall. Pitch nickels into it and make a wish.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your bed sheets are getting a little stiff; maybe you should do some laundry.
Your extreme charm will lead to Ms. Ciel calling you “baby” twice today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Someone in a gorilla suit will call soon, claiming you owe them a grilled cheese and a back rub.
The love of your life waits in Red Square. Clap four times without using your hands then spin around in a circle screaming “life gives you bumps but I won’t.”
Cancer (June 22 -July 22)
It’s getting colder outside and you should really invest in some pants. Your knees are crying for coverage.
The ghost in the theater is waiting to give you a wedgie. Be sure to pick it out on an elevator for good luck.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
That pile of glitter left over from Halloween is trying to tell you something.
Push it into the hallway. A gang of squirrels will have an impact on your near future. Invest in big nuts.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You still have some caramel stuck in your teeth. Squirrel it away for the winter. You’ll learn something today. What a change of pace.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Don’t drop that th – you dropped it didn’t you? Whatever you do, avoid stairs.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Just because it’s November does not mean you can start playing Christmas songs. Calm down. You may soon start to smell like imitation crab meat. Stop stealing hand soap and find some body wash.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That word doesn’t mean what you think it means. Time to retire your slang.
At least 3 condoms will be chucked at your head today. Wear a helmet and hope none are used.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
‘Tis the season of food babies. Find some sweatpants, you’ll need them. Whoever smelt it dealt it and baby, today you stink. Fight the funk.