McHoroscopes: Whats in store for April?

The Green Terror in his truest form.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Don’t go to Glar today, bestie. The stars told me it won’t end well.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Inner peace isn’t everything. Create some outer violence. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):  You look hot today. And so does your other personality.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Brenda, please call me back. I didn’t mean what I said. The kids miss you. I miss you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The entire world doesn’t revolve around you. The sun does though. Slay Copernicus.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Let your inner child out today. Run in a park. Play hide and seek. Eat some Play-Doh. Sniff some glue.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You should watch the 1987 hit movie Dirty Dancing tonight. Have the time of your life. Never feel like this before. Take Baby out of the corner. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Time to do some soul searching. No, seriously. You should find your soul soon. You’ll need it. 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Wenn Sie sich die Mühe gemacht haben, dies zu übersetzen: Hoffentlich haben Sie einen schlechten Tag. Machs besser.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): There’s some good news waiting for you when you check your mailbox so you should look. Or don’t, I don’t care. I’m not your boss.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Why would you say that? No, seriously, you’re being so crazy right now. Like, how could you even think that? You’re so sensitive, like, seriously. I can’t believe you would say that. 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): I know what you did. Fess up.